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User talk:Rectrixadam
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:08, September 19, 2017 (UTC) :I'll try to message you in an hour or so with my explanation. I'm currently on a mobile and it's a bit of a lengthy response. Sorry for the wait. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:35, September 19, 2017 (UTC) :That`s fine by me. :Rectrixadam (talk) 02:44, September 19, 2017 (UTC)Rectrixadam ::Here's some of the issues I found while reviewing your story. Note: This may not be a complete listing of the issues present. Starting with the mechanical issues. Capitalization: "So I downloaded one (the one mentioned above) and then exited chrome (Chrome) altogether." ::Punctuation: You tend to use accent marks in contractions which is not correct or forget to apostrophize the words. "I`m going to get to the point.", "Thats (that's) when the strange things (not paranormal) happened.", "All in all, I can`t explain this.", etc. The accent mark isn't a valid apostrophe and you need to be uniform with your decision to use apostrophes in contractions. Additionally if you decide to forgo apostrophes in contractions, it should have some resonance (Like in: McCarthy's Border series for example) in the story as it generally is grammatically incorrect. ::Wording: "My entire desktop background was changed to a blood red, nothing more, nothing less." This is awkwardly worded and a bit bland. As you are going for effect here, saying "Nothing more, nothing less" does feel a bit dismissive of the whole issue ('I saw a dead body, it was kind of spooky'). "I quickly got to work converted (converting) the text file to jpg form.", "This was quite chilling to me as it seems (seemed) to say, "demon"." Redundancy: "Looking through many websites, I found a website called "findthejpeg.com"". Try to avoid situations where you re-state words multiple times as it generally comes off as redundant rather than a rhetorical approach. ETC. ::Story issues: "I was a graduate at Harvard, and I was getting my degree in science and technology." This feels a bit out of place. If the protagonist is a graduate of Harvard, it should be in present tense. If they failed to graduate, the sentence needs re-working. If they failed to get their degree, only then should it be in past progressive ("I was getting my degree in science and technology."). For reference, "I was studying for a Veterinary program, but ...". ::Story issues cont.: "The only thing that was vaguely recognisable was 4737A_de-MO_n654. This was quite chilling to me as it seemd to say, "demon"." This feels really reminiscent of .EXE/.TXT file stories and tends to weaken the overall story. (For example: files titled Blood.txt, Death.txt, and Devil.txt are frequently featured on troll pasta as they tend to be pretty generic/trope-focused. That's not to say it can't work, but generally it does present a bit of a hurdle by drawing comparisons to other stories that use the same wording. ::Story issues cont.. There is a bit of a problem here with explanation and detail. Lines like: "It looked like a woman, but she had no eyes and a pale white face." and "I know that many people in this situation would say it was a metaphysical event" are a bit problematic. A creature having "no eyes and a pale white face" is a pretty common descriptor so more needs to be added to make it more effective. You include a picture, so build off of that picture to create a sense of reality rather than a nondescript detail. As for the latter wording, I'm not sure what you mean by metaphysical event. Do you mean it's not spiritual? If so, that brings me to my other points. ::Story issues cont.: You spend a lot of time saying that it's not a paranormal event, but that doesn't really factor in to the story at all. ("Now, before I continue, I am not saying that this was definitely a paranormal experience, but it was something bizarre to say the least.", "Thats when the strange things (not paranormal) happened.", "The most terrifying (but NOT paranormal) thing I had ever seen in my life.", etc.) It comes across as limiting and unnecessary since it really doesn't factor into the story much. Given the ending of: "It was a true story", this feels more like an attempt to distance yourself from the cliche (#6), but since it has little impact on the story, it just feels repetitive. ::Those were some of the issues that were present in the story which resulted in me deleting it. I would suggest taking it to the writer's workshop if you plan on re-writing/revising it as extra feedback will likely help you improve on the premise. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:25, September 19, 2017 (UTC) ::If I fix these issues and then reupload it, will it stay there? ::Rectrixadam (talk) 04:37, September 19, 2017 (UTC)rectrixadam Helel ben Shahaar (talk) 04:47, July 26, 2018 (UTC) ChristianWallis (talk) 08:07, August 17, 2018 (UTC) Absolutely! Thanks for the requesting. Asking for feedback is totally Kosher and I look forward to checking out your edits and new story! J. Deschene (talk) 16:59, August 22, 2018 (UTC)